she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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