There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My balls are so social today.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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