i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
