I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
