Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
