he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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