My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
