using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!