Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?