Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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