those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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