I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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