The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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