I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
