Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
porn star boner night. come get it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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