i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If I die, sorry about rent.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
