Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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