Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
