i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You are the jesus of drinking
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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