Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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