well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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