We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
