my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
