Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
