i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
