took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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