i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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