I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
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She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
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He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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