I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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