I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
