I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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