maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I party with great urgency now.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
