I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
