I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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