Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
