Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
