He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
