a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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