Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
