all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
