I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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