Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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