so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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