so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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