I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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