considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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