don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
