Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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