my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
