Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
organizing the empties. That sober.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
