i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
