Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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