he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
