My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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