i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
