Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
