I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
