It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
